ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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