my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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