Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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