I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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