Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
