I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
