that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
