I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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