There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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