you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
