so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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