he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Bring me that man meat
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
