I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
