If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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