I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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