how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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