if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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