I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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