Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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