I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
