My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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