I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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