but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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