hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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