New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
