i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
