So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
