4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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