note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
