my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
