need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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