I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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