soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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