the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize
