dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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