Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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