he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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