You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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