life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
