you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
