someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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