Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
