Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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