I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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