That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
