I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
