U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
