Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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