so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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