So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
