i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
