It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
