I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
