After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
