Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
