I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
